Me, Myself & I

It's been a while since I've written to you, Blogworld. I haven't been feeling like I've had a lot to say, although I've been so busy at the same time. I'm feeling very disillusioned about a number of things at the moment, so today I'm having a Me Day.

This Me Day has been coming for a while but I just haven't had time because of other things going on; busy doing something or other. So today I'm doing a few of my favourite things.

Firstly, to sleep in. Check. Usually I can't sleep in past 7.30am and lately I've been waking up at 5.30am; but today I woke at 5.30am and then went back to sleep...until 9.30am! And I'm so proud of me :)

Secondly, to listen to a few of my favourite tunes. Check. I've just sat down to write to you after updating my iTunes so I can have a bit of 'zone out' time and listen to my new fave tunes while I write to you; therapeutic, as I've said before.

Unfortunately, I have to do a couple of jobs too. So after my sleep in I chucked a load of washing on. I really need to get my bedroom/laundry issue sorted. For those of you who know me will know that I'm a tidy freak in the rest of my house, and will be surprised to learn that my bedroom isn't the same. I like it to be tidy and my bed never goes unmade, but I'm not so great at putting my clothes away. So at the moment I've got clothes hanging over my bed posts, washing basket etc, which need to be sorted, and clean clothes in baskets to be folded and ironed and put away. Fingers crossed I can get motivated enough to sort this out today because this could be one of the reasons my life feels in disarray at the moment. I just need the motivation to do it....

Now back to the good me things. I love the MasterChef and My Kitchen Rules series' and I've missed quite a few of the MC shows over the last few weeks, so today I want to catch up on a couple of my favourite episodes - first one being the Friday night Master Class. I love the show, and it gets me all inspired to cook but watching the stress levels and blubbering contestants isn't really doing it for this season. So Master Class is a good episode to catch up on what was cooked during the week, but cooked the real way, by professionals, with no stress. And then of course, I want to watch my other favourite show of the week, Grey's Anatomy. Lately with everything that has been going on I've just been too tired to stay up to 9.30pm to finish watching the whole episode, as I've been going to bed at 8.30pm.

I also want to make my first ever Moussaka, so that's dinner sorted. This comes from watching MasterChef of course, and whenever they do the Invention Test and have to make something up out of the few ingredients they are given, I freak out as to what I would make if I was on the show. Not so good at on the spot decisions like that. So I have come up with this little game of making something semi normal each week that I haven't made before, so if I'm ever in that situation (which is very unlikely due to the stress levels and my non ability to handle stress) I want to be able to cook a few dishes that 'everyone' seems to be able to make, except me (at least I'll know what the ingredients are!). The only other MC dish I've had time to make since the series started, this year is the Donna Hay Pavlova, which didn't work out quite like it was meant to. But I've got a few recipes printed off in my file that I want to make...soon.

The last on my list for today is to take my book and a couple of magazines I subscribe to but haven't had time to read yet, to my fave little cafe and sit and have a cup of tea (and maybe a piece of cake), watch the world go by as I flick through my magazines and read a chapter or so of my book. I always seem to have a book on the go, and I've got a pile of books to read from friends who have passed on a good read, but I never find a lot of time to sit and read except for the 20 mins to and from work each day, so it takes me a while to read a book, hence I love it when I find time to sit for an hour or so and read, enough time to get engrossed in someone elses life and have a break from my own.

So now that I've finished my first therapeutic Me Day task of writing to you, I'm off to hang out my washing and watch Master Chef.

See you again soon, C xx

About a girl

This is a note about a friend who I went to school with. She was my best friend at school, we were great friends for about 7 years. We lost contact after leaving school and mixing with different people, studying different things, moving to different parts of the city and then different countries but I always thought of her and wondered how she was and where she was and what she was doing.

In the time we grew apart from each she went on to get married and have three beautiful children. We've seen each other once in the last four years, and kept in touch via emails/facebook etc but it wasn't until the last three years or so that I really started to get to know her.

In the last three years her little girl, her only daughter was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma. Neuroblastoma is a cancer of childhood that grows in the nervous system. Her name is Imogen. Imogen doesn't have much longer to live.

Since Imogen has been fighting Neuroblastoma, her mum has been writing a blog for her, a blog which I believe is her way of dealing with the monster killing her little girl. Through this blog I have learnt that my friend is the strongest person I know and a person I am honoured to say is my friend. I feel like I know her family without having met them before. Imogen is the perfect little girl, only 5 but yet so grown up for her age, so full of life, so bubbly, so caring for her mum and so beautiful.

Over the past three years I check in to see if the blog has been updated on a weekly and monthly basis; each time hoping that there is some good news; that Imogen has won the fight against the monster. She has been in remission and we all hoped for the best, until the last hurdle a few months ago when she relapsed and was given only months to live.

Over the past few months, I have checked the blog on a more regular basis, and recently a daily basis, as we wait for the pain to end and Imogen leaves our world and continues on with her journey of making such a massive impact on other people's lives. A journey of sunshine, love and laughter.

I think of my friend and her family on a daily basis and wonder how she does it. She is the most amazing woman I know. We are the same age yet I can not imagine having to deal with the things she has had to deal with in the last three years. So this is to my friend; you are one amazing woman and I can only hope that one day I will have a slither of the strength and amazing attitude that you have. I'm very sorry that you have to go through this pain, I just hope that the pain ends for you soon; Immie will always be in our hearts - you should be proud of the little girl you brought into this world. xx

Mr Nice Guy vs Mr Not Going To Happen

After my realisation the other day, I teed up a 'meeting' with a guy I had been chatting to from RSVP for a while. We had been chatting on messenger for about a month; we had tried a couple of times to tee something up but it never eventuated. This is Mr Nice Guy. He's a nice guy, can't fault anything - he has a 9-5pm job, great social life, and great friends by the sounds of it. A close family, he drives a car (albeit, not a Holden...), he's polite and onto it (organised our first 'meeting' without even blinking), we have a nice, easy conversation - so what more could I ask for?!

This weekend I'm seeing him again, for our second 'meeting'. My turn to organise; just the movies and a bite to eat afterwards, something easy and casual. So I'm trying very hard not to find that reason to 'sabotage' this...thing we have going here. Although, I can already think of reasons, I'm just pushing those thoughts to the back of my mind and trying not to think about them.

Last night I had a drink with Mr Not Going To Happen. We get on so well, lots of laughs, talk about everything and everyone, little bit of flirting etc, but it is not going to happen. Why? Because he's already taken. I get it but I don't get it at the same time. I know I said in my last post that I think I go for these guys because I open up to them, let them see the real me - no holds barred, but I just can't be like that with potential suitors for some reason. Why?! Am I scared I'm not going to like what they see/hear? But Mr Not Going To Happen likes it, so why wouldn't Mr Nice Guy? I just need to relax, I know that, but gee, it's hard changing your ways after so long of being that way.

So lets call it a date. I'm going on date number two with a potential suitor and nice guy, tomorrow night. Wish me luck!

Well, well, well...

I've had a realisation this week; with a little help from my friends. You know how your friends can say they've been telling you something for years but you hear them but you aren't listening? Well this has happened to me. And now I'm listening.

The realisation? I sabotage relationships. When I first started contemplating this I was thinking that maybe I do do this, but after spending the weekend away from my normal life (Sydney) and with a very good friend who reminded me of all the times I have done this in the past, I now realise that yes, I do do this, and I have been doing it for years and didn't even realise until now. I never once thought that this was something I do. I often hear of other people doing this; in the movies, in other people's blogs etc, but never once did I think 'I do that'.

I've been wondering lately why attached guys seem to be the only guys who are interested in me. But, I now realise that is not the whole case. I give myself to them and I let them in because they are safe. I know that the relationship will never even become a relationship, it is already doomed from the start; and I know that I will never do anything with them, it will never become more than a friendship, but at least I won't get hurt and I'm in control.

When I meet a nice guy I always find some reason for it not to work. And they are usually silly reasons, for example... He has blonde hair. He's an inch shorter than me. He is younger than me. He is too enthusiastic!! Like these traits really matter in the scheme of things?! I often think that no man ever likes me, but they do, I just don't let them. I have all these rules and as soon as one of them is broken, it must 'mean' something, and I end it. I make the rules up as I go, so I can break them as I go too, whenever I like.

Of course there has been times when I've liked a guy but they haven't felt the same way about me so I suppose it does balance out a bit, but I am just amazed that this has been going on for so long and I haven't seen it until now.

I read the Bossy blog on www.news.com.au every week and even Bossy was giving advise on the same kind of problem, so it must be my time? I've been 'told' three times in the last week, and now I'm listening.

So next time someone asks me why I'm still single, I can tell them, instead of saying "I don't know, don't you think if I knew I'd do something about it". And that's what I'm doing, stopping what I was doing and starting to do something new. I am going to stop the reinvention of the cycle.

English accents, over-enthusiastic men and yummy food

I don't know what to write about, so let me tell you about a few things that have been going on in my life lately and see if we can make an interesting post out of it!

Ok. This week I took my profile off the dating site. I don't know if this is normal or not, but I just can't get into it. Is it because I'm flirting with someone else who is not on internet dating... I think that has something to do with it. But nothing can happen between me and this other person, so I should just get right back on there shouldn't I?! I have been emailing another guy though, from the dating site, but he's starting to annoy me with his over enthusiasm. Why is it that when we want someone to be interested they aren't and when they are interested they are 'too interested' and annoying? So this guy I've been chatting to on email sends me a couple of really long emails a day, so I said to him that I can't cope with more than one of these long babies a day! Ha! And then we started to chat on messenger; I thought this would slow the long-winded emails down, but now he's emailing me as well as waiting for me on messenger every day. Yesterday we chatted for about an hour on messenger and he sent me 5 emails!! And then asked for some more photos of me.... and said 'do you think it's weird that a guy wants to look at a pretty lady all day?' Um, yes! So I haven't answered yet.

I also had a friend of a friend staying this week - she was passing through from Sydney to London and knew a couple of people here in Perth so decided to stop by for a couple of days. It was so nice to see her, and has made me a bit more excited to see our mutual friend this coming weekend when I go to Sydney. I miss their accent, and it makes me miss London...siiiggh. So we went out for St Pat's Day (as you do) and got a bit merry; it was fun, and I don't know how long it's been since I've been out 'drunk' on a Wednesday night! Probably not since Steve's days.... Oh, they were the days too... I also went out for drinkies the Friday before with the work crew and also managed to get a bit merry there. For those of you who know me, will know that I don't ever drink very much, and as this was my first work crew drink-off (as I've only been with the group for about 6 months and am a huge believer of keeping work and social life separate) they just wanted to get me drunk! And then I proceeded to tell work people things I shouldn't. This is why I don't drink often around work people...and other reasons, but I think we get the gist....

A few months ago my cousin and I started up a Dinner Club where we go to a fancy restaurant once a month and live it up. We get dressed up, drink nice wine, eat lovely food and spend probably a bit more than we'd usually spend when we go out for a meal. So we've each invited some of our own like-minded friends to join our club and this month it ended up being only girls attending - so lots of laughs and a great night was ensured! We went to In Contro in South Perth. I haven't been for a couple of years, but I will say that out of all the restaurants we've been to so far, our meal at In Contro's last night was the best. A bit pricier than the others, but SO SO SO delish!! And I highly recommend it. (Any of you Perthian's may have heard In Contro's in the news recently because Daniel Kerr had his wedding reception there). And I just have to plug the Spanish Style Curry as being the best curry I've ever had!

So far the list is as follows:

Nine Fine Food
Oceanus
The Red Herring
The Grand Palace
In Contro

And last but not least. Another plug. I'm so into the long-line tops that have come out this season. For once, I'm up with the fashions and not a season behind. So I had a little spend up yesterday and bought some leggings and long tops. Hopefully I'll look the part when I go to Sydney this week - or maybe I'll start a new fashion trend over there...haha, I'm so funny!

Until next time...

C xx

Life is like riding a bicycle - in order to keep your balance, you must keep moving.

So I'm back on the cycle...when will it end?

My life goes in a cycle, month to month; year to year. I'm bored with my life, I want to change something, I post a profile on an internet dating site and see if I can meet someone. I might meet a few 'nice' guys but never guys I actually click with, I go on a few dates but then for one reason or another it doesn't work out; I go back to internet dating and there's not much interest. I get bored but push on, this time I want to make a real effort. There's not much interest out there, everyone seems boring - what do I want? I'm bored, I think I might take my profile off, its just not working for me. I still check my internet dating account and I'm getting 'nudge' after 'nudge' and email after email. What's with that? I'm not interested anymore!

I think I think that my boredom comes from being on my own, but now that I think about it, I don't really know if that's it or not. I tend to hear about a lot of people choosing this path in life. Do they think life is better on their own, or is it not by choice after all? Sometimes I think I would choose to be with someone as opposed to being on my own...but...I also think, when it comes down to it, I don't know if I want to be in a relationship... I still want to be able to do as I please, flirt with whoever I want etc. And I definitely can't fit another body in my little apartment (unless he came naked which I'm not opposed to at all). Am I just bored of this cycle? I think so! So for a temporary fix, I'm changing my hairstyle! But it's obvious I need to do something else.... Maybe I don't need a Mr Right, just a Mr Right Now - someone who can help with little jobs around the house, but who will still let me go out and have my single life. Is there such a thing?!

If anyone has any real life experience in this; would love to hear from you!

xx

Summer lovin'

So this weekend in the West has been one busy weekend, and full of new adventures, thoughts and feelings.

On Saturday I went on my little Island Adventure and had a surprisingly good time - and I'm thinking now, why don't I do that more often? There were no fearful bike riding expeditions; I had my first swim in the ocean in a long time; wore bathers in public for the first time in a long time; fell in the ocean out of the tender for the first time ever - and received a lot of cheers in the meantime :); and today I have bruises in very unusual places and skin off my knees...from I don't know what, but overall I had a good time!

And Sunday was spent at birthdays and celebrations. Sunday night I witnessed a very close, long time friend tie-the-knot with her girlfriend. It was so lovely to see so many people there who accept the love they have for each other; I am so glad I could be a part of their special day. I also discovered something about myself I never knew....will this open new doors for me?

It seems to me that people in the gay community can find their special someone a lot easier than those of us who are straight. Why is this, or is it just me who thinks like this? Is it because the gay community is a smaller community than the straight community, therefore they have less options? Or is it because they really do know what they want and it's easier to come by, than with someone of the opposite sex? Or is it even about choice? Every gay person I have ever met has also been so happy, so confident and so sure. Anyway, whatever it is, I am very glad to say I have gay friends. It is opening my eyes to a brand new world - A very fun any happy world. xx