Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more."
~Erica Jong
I have been wanting to write this post for a while, but I haven't known what to write, even though there's been quite a lot going on. But I now think that it hasn't been the right time, and I had to wait until the end of that chapter before I could write about it. I think I'm there now, but in a way I wish I wasn't, or I hadn't even started this chapter.
I had a relationship; a relationship I thought was going to last forever. I had a boyfriend for the first time in years and I thought he was the one and I believed him when he said he wanted to settle down with me. I kept wanting to write something about it, telling the world how happy I was, but for whatever reason I just couldn't find the words or the time to write anything. And now, here I am, with all the time in the world to write about it, but not writing the story I originally hoped for.
I haven't been in a serious relationship for such a long time that I have forgotten what it feels like to break up with someone. I honestly don't know how people do this all the time; my friends keep telling me I have to get back on my horse but I really can't think of anything worse at the moment, the thought of it actually makes me feel sick. I know I have to take the risk, but do I really want to go through this again? But of course I don't want to miss out on all those wonderful feelings either... or become one of those bitter and twisted spinsters!
As much as I am sad and disappointed and shocked and so hurt by his actions, I don't regret the time we spent together. He showed me that I can still love wholeheartedly and the walls I've always had up around me for so long do come down quite easily after all. Although I am extremely hurt, for some reason I still really care about him when I wish I could just hate him right now.
I blame all this on the eclipse of last month. Thanks eclipse. My horoscopes have been saying that I needed something to mix up my life a bit, to help me figure out what I really want, to move on from the past and into the future and I think, to remind me that I won't settle.
It's now onwards and upwards for me. So here we go, lets see what the next chapter of my life brings. I sometimes I wish I could just turn my feelings on and off like some people, but I suppose that's part of what makes me who I am and why someone, one day will want me in their lives forever.
