I've had a realisation this week; with a little help from my friends. You know how your friends can say they've been telling you something for years but you hear them but you aren't listening? Well this has happened to me. And now I'm listening.The realisation? I sabotage relationships. When I first started contemplating this I was thinking that maybe I do do this, but after spending the weekend away from my normal life (Sydney) and with a very good friend who reminded me of all the times I have done this in the past, I now realise that yes, I do do this, and I have been doing it for years and didn't even realise until now. I never once thought that this was something I do. I often hear of other people doing this; in the movies, in other people's blogs etc, but never once did I think 'I do that'.
I've been wondering lately why attached guys seem to be the only guys who are interested in me. But, I now realise that is not the whole case. I give myself to them and I let them in because they are safe. I know that the relationship will never even become a relationship, it is already doomed from the start; and I know that I will never do anything with them, it will never become more than a friendship, but at least I won't get hurt and I'm in control.
When I meet a nice guy I always find some reason for it not to work. And they are usually silly reasons, for example... He has blonde hair. He's an inch shorter than me. He is younger than me. He is too enthusiastic!! Like these traits really matter in the scheme of things?! I often think that no man ever likes me, but they do, I just don't let them. I have all these rules and as soon as one of them is broken, it must 'mean' something, and I end it. I make the rules up as I go, so I can break them as I go too, whenever I like.
Of course there has been times when I've liked a guy but they haven't felt the same way about me so I suppose it does balance out a bit, but I am just amazed that this has been going on for so long and I haven't seen it until now.
I read the Bossy blog on www.news.com.au every week and even Bossy was giving advise on the same kind of problem, so it must be my time? I've been 'told' three times in the last week, and now I'm listening.
So next time someone asks me why I'm still single, I can tell them, instead of saying "I don't know, don't you think if I knew I'd do something about it". And that's what I'm doing, stopping what I was doing and starting to do something new. I am going to stop the reinvention of the cycle.
