Saturday, January 29, 2011

Second Chance?

I've always believed in second chances but at the same time I've always lived by the motto to look forward and never look back. It's a contradiction in itself. How can I have a second chance at something if I never go back to something I thought was finished?

I have always thought I'd never leave a job at one company, to move onto another company and then in time go back to the first company. And people that go back to exes are thought to be gluttons for punishment because the relationship didn't work for a reason and they are still going to have the same problems the second time around... And I've never been one to break my own rules; rules are in place for a reason.

But things feel different for me now, I feel I need to go back and fix something I broke. Last year I met a man who at the time I thought was everything I had ever hoped for in a partner. He was fun, patient, willing to teach me things (like camping!), wanted to travel, was handy, funny, cheeky, a good cook, relaxed, level headed, educated, caring and sensitive yet I couldn't feel the spark; I couldn't make it happen no matter how much pressure I put on myself. At the time I just thought maybe he just isn't the one for me - he is everything except for the spark and maybe this just meant that I was getting closer to meeting the one. I met this man just a few weeks after ending something that I thought was the real thing, someone who broke my heart. I thought that if I just got back out into the dating scene, my broken heart would just mend, just like that. But it didn't. It probably made things worse because I know that I hurt someone who I would never have hurt otherwise. I treated this nice man with disregard, the same way that I have been treated in the past, I know how it feels to be hurt and 'led on' like that, although I had no feelings, my feeling mechanism was broken and I didn't realise. And I was putting pressure on myself to make it work which was also causing problems. I tried to explain to him the best I could that he was wonderful and everything I had wanted but I wasn't feeling anything and that I didn't want to lead him on anymore, but I know he probably thinks that was just an excuse.

Anyway, in the last couple of months, I have been thinking about him a lot. I want to get back in touch with him and explain things properly, now that I know exactly what was going on in my head and my heart. In my haste to move on from him I deleted all contacts for him and now I'm struggling to get in touch with him without seeming stalker-ish. I have him at arms length at the moment and I hate that I can't just talk to him and explain. I have left him a message on a dating site which he'll see next time he's on line but he probably doesn't want to talk to me, and why would he?

So that's me in a nutshell for the time being. Will I get a second chance, and if I do, will I always feel that I owe him something and how do I know if the feelings will ever be there - what if they aren't? Anyway, I think I'm getting a head of myself a bit; it is more likely that I will never get to talk to him again. And I'm ok with that; at least I know that I've given it a go.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Life Without Facebook

About ten days ago my Facebook account was ‘disabled’ because I couldn’t remember my password. At the time I thought it was the end of the world and the week ahead ensured big withdrawal symptoms.

How was I going to get through life not having access to all my friends’ photos, weekend antics, status updates etc?

Well after waiting for Facebook to get back to me for a week and having first been told not to open a new account as that will confuse them when they get around to searching for my account and un-disabling me, I then had another go at contacting them and got a response saying how sorry they are that I am having difficulties but they can not answer every email but are reading my reports. Well that’s really helpful isn’t it!?

So we are now at week two of not having access to Facebook and I’m starting to be very thankful. I didn’t realise before how addicted I was! I would have Facebook logged in each night while I sat and watched television, checking in every so often on what all my friends were up to, stalking people I didn’t know, or did know but weren’t ‘friends’ with etc etc. Now I have time to do other things….like, read. I used to read a lot but then in the last few years found I couldn’t find the time. So I’m reading, and I’m going for walks after work, and I’m talking to friends on the phone instead of via Facebook.

At the moment I’m happy being disabled from Facebook; I’m not holding my breath that they will ever get back to me (I suppose they do have 50,000,000 other helpdesk queries to contend with) and I probably will open up another account. There are photos of people’s weddings I want to see, and friend’s kids growing up etc, but apart from that I don’t miss it now. On the other hand, if it was my choice not to use Facebook, knowing that I could access it at any time, I don’t think I would have been very good at keeping away from it.

I hope my ‘friends’ are missing me though. I didn’t get to say goodbye or tell them where I was going or how to reach me now. I wonder if they have even noticed that I’m not there anymore….

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Eat So They Can

Over the holidays when I had time to watch day time television, I was watching a cooking show where one of the contestants was talking about a charity she works for, Eat So They Can.

Eat So They Can is an international fundraiser that invites citizens of the world to participate in what is collectively one huge dinner party 16-17 October 2010. People from all over the world will host a meal and ask their friends and family members to make a donation towards ending child poverty.

All donations will go towards GVN Foundation's Global Fund to support children, women, emergency relief and anti-trafficking initiatives. GVN Foundation is an international charity that is working to end child poverty around the globe.

Please join me and consider hosting an event yourself. Follow these steps to get started!

1. Sign up as a host at www.eatsotheycan.org
2. Log-in to your host page using the username and password which you will be emailed. Click ‘Modify My Event’ so that you can upload your photo and add information about your event.
3. Invite your friends and family to your event by sending an email with a link to your host page.
4. Organise your event making use of all the great resources you will be sent by the ESTC team such as our DVD, posters, fact sheets, stickers and event ideas.
5. Host your event!

So that's what I'm going to do, I'm going to host my own dinner party, for 30 or so people, pool-side. And I'm really looking forward to it.

Come and join me and host your own dinner party; what better reason is there to share food with your friends and family and helping those less fortunate than ourselves.

Sign up today!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

The Year That Was (aka 2010)

So, the year I hoped to create a better life for myself is over and done with. And it was a crappy year, really. Crappy love life, crappy worklife, crappy money woes. But it was the year I realised and learnt a lot about myself.

I learnt that to create yourself is not something that is going to happen over night or in one year, or is not going to happen by the things you do and see and make yourself do, in a way; you are creating yourself everyday of your life; creating and learning. By making yourself do new things, meet new people, you are in turn creating new ways of learning new things about yourself (does that make sense?).

Looking back at last year, I have learnt that I wear my heart on my sleeve - BIG TIME. And although I fall hard, I have just as much to give to the right person. Although the one relationship I had last year is not the relationship to take me into the new year, and many years to come, he came into my life for a reason. He taught me what I don't want, and concreted what I do want in life and in a partner. He reminded me that I won't settle for just anyone, and I am better off on my own than being in a relationship where I don't know if I'm Arthur or Martha. Although it was a crappy time, I'm glad to have done it and experienced it and I hope I have become a better person for it.

Last year was also a pretty stressful time for me work-wise. Just plodding along in a job doesn't do it for me anymore, and I have learnt that if you don't speak up, you will get shafted! Nice girls don't get the corner office, after all. This year I'm going in knowing what I want out of my job and how I'm going to get it... Stay tuned!

And lastly, first full year of owning my own home...well, after 14 years of working and not ever really saving much but doing everything and anything I wanted, when I wanted and living life spontaneously, this year I learnt how to budget, and that I HATE RESPONSIBILITIES (although as it is a part of growing up I am open to it) !!! But ok, I know we need to start somewhere, and I've started. Being too broke to put petrol in the car, or go out even just to the movies or having to eat beans on toast for the last week until pay day is gone - I GOT A PAYRISE (and I'm going to save some of that payrise every month and plan for my future - I want to be one of those 'financially stable' people you so often hear about) !!!

I'm feeling good about 2011. This is MY year. I am already in the process of losing weight - we are on day 8 of 365 days of 2011 and I've already lost 1 kg (albeit, many more to come) and changed my daily lifestyle to include a healthier way of living, I have created a budget that matches my salary and is not $1,500 more than what I receive in my salary each month (as was last years') and I have bought 'stamps' (those in the know will know what I'm talking about here) and I'm going to start initiating contact with men and being more assertive in all things Courtney - no more Miss Shy who sits back and waits; look out Universe, here I come!!