Saturday, January 29, 2011

Second Chance?

I've always believed in second chances but at the same time I've always lived by the motto to look forward and never look back. It's a contradiction in itself. How can I have a second chance at something if I never go back to something I thought was finished?

I have always thought I'd never leave a job at one company, to move onto another company and then in time go back to the first company. And people that go back to exes are thought to be gluttons for punishment because the relationship didn't work for a reason and they are still going to have the same problems the second time around... And I've never been one to break my own rules; rules are in place for a reason.

But things feel different for me now, I feel I need to go back and fix something I broke. Last year I met a man who at the time I thought was everything I had ever hoped for in a partner. He was fun, patient, willing to teach me things (like camping!), wanted to travel, was handy, funny, cheeky, a good cook, relaxed, level headed, educated, caring and sensitive yet I couldn't feel the spark; I couldn't make it happen no matter how much pressure I put on myself. At the time I just thought maybe he just isn't the one for me - he is everything except for the spark and maybe this just meant that I was getting closer to meeting the one. I met this man just a few weeks after ending something that I thought was the real thing, someone who broke my heart. I thought that if I just got back out into the dating scene, my broken heart would just mend, just like that. But it didn't. It probably made things worse because I know that I hurt someone who I would never have hurt otherwise. I treated this nice man with disregard, the same way that I have been treated in the past, I know how it feels to be hurt and 'led on' like that, although I had no feelings, my feeling mechanism was broken and I didn't realise. And I was putting pressure on myself to make it work which was also causing problems. I tried to explain to him the best I could that he was wonderful and everything I had wanted but I wasn't feeling anything and that I didn't want to lead him on anymore, but I know he probably thinks that was just an excuse.

Anyway, in the last couple of months, I have been thinking about him a lot. I want to get back in touch with him and explain things properly, now that I know exactly what was going on in my head and my heart. In my haste to move on from him I deleted all contacts for him and now I'm struggling to get in touch with him without seeming stalker-ish. I have him at arms length at the moment and I hate that I can't just talk to him and explain. I have left him a message on a dating site which he'll see next time he's on line but he probably doesn't want to talk to me, and why would he?

So that's me in a nutshell for the time being. Will I get a second chance, and if I do, will I always feel that I owe him something and how do I know if the feelings will ever be there - what if they aren't? Anyway, I think I'm getting a head of myself a bit; it is more likely that I will never get to talk to him again. And I'm ok with that; at least I know that I've given it a go.

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