Am I here?

Do you ever wonder who you are, or how you got here?

I often wonder this, and 'what the hell am I doing?' Have I made the right decisions, am I on the right course? What if I made a different decision earlier in life? Sometimes I feel like I'm just going with the flow, the life others have made for me, or doing the jobs that others have left for me once they've changed their course in life and moved on to bigger and better things. Is this really where I'm meant to be?

In the past I have not really been confident in my own decisions and choices, hence relying on others to help me make those big decisions in life. Sometimes it all gets a bit overwhelming and you lose your confidence and then, you get used to having others to rely on and start to take advantage, a bit. Which in turn, they do as well. You're always there for them to give their opinion to, you always ask their opinion; should you do this, should you do that?

There's so many decisions to make. Should I travel more while I can; move interstate/overseas? Change jobs, move house, save or spend? Shares or savings account? New car, secondhand car? Am I just doing the same old thing because it's easy, or is this the course I'm supposed to take? How do you know if you're on the right track and making the right decisions?

When I look around at everyone else they seem to know what they are doing; like they have found their way and now they are just moving forward. They're in great jobs, have earned respect, own their own homes, have found the love of their life and got married and now planning their lives together; they have a dog and babies are inevitable. It's like they're on autopilot, they know where their path is going and they are following it, stopping where they are meant to stop to smell the flowers on their way. Their lives seem easy, where as I struggle to decide on what to wear that day, or whether to take the bus or train. At the moment my life is pretty stressful, just getting through each day is taking up enough time and energy, let alone looking at the big picture.

Life is overwhelming. Last year was a big year for me, I've gone from having a hugely busy social life, to a hugely busy worklife where the only light I'm seeing at the end of the tunnel is the freight train heading right at me! Overall it's been a great year; I got the promotion and recognition I have longed for, bought my own place after months of looking, rekindled old friendships and moved on from others. It's exhausting. I sometimes feel like all I do is get up, go to work, rush around all day, come home and collapse and then do it all again the next day with not much fun in between. Weekends are always busy, but ask me what I've done and I can't tell you; come Monday I'm exhausted and doing it all over again. Although I have the job I've worked so hard for, it's tiring; where's the work/life balance? Who has time for a life? Is this how my life is always going to be?

How did your life pan out? Are you where you want to be? Did you make the right decisions; how do you know?

If my life slows down, will I be happy or will I be craving that mad, living on the edge lifestyle I've always lived? Is this where I'm happiest? Do you live to work, or work to live? Does it get easier? Ironically this is where I want to be. People respect me for the job I do and the friend I am; sitting here in my PJs, with a cup of tea on the lounge of my lovely little house; home on a Friday night....