Anyway, that's not what this post is about. Today's post is about fears...or maybe it is?
I think it would be safe to say that everyone has at least one thing they are afraid of. Leah, from H&A, has developed a fear of going outside (Agrophobia). It is something that has come on recently, due to a traumatic experience. I have a fear of catching the train. See, some fears are what I would call 'real fears' and others are just fears from thinking too much (my case). I catch the bus to work, when I live within 10 minutes walk from the train station. I tell people it's because I like the reading time, which is a great advantage, but really we get some creepy people on our bus so I would probably be better off catching the train, yet, I'm willing to risk it. I have caught the train once and I'm sure my close friends thought I was a freak for getting so worked up about it. I just thought about it too much, and I know there's nothing I should be scared of, I can not even give myself any reason as to why I should be afraid, I just can't do it. This hasn't come on recently, and it has been something I've been 'working on' over the past few years... I think it's a fear of 'new things'. I have a friend who is a bit like this also, but her fear extends a bit further than mine. She can't go anywhere new on her own. Not a new petrol station, not a new restaurant or shopping center. And I think for her, it is the same reason - just thinks about it too much and gets herself a bit worked up. Some people may laugh and think it's funny, but unfortunately, as much as we want to, we can't control it.
Control is another thing altogether. I'm sure we all know a 'control freak'. And yes, once again, I am one! I like to be in control. But I'm ok with it, I may be freakish, but I can deal with me and I know when I need to relax and breathe. See, I'm in control. But being in control of my fears is a bit more hard work. I find that I need to just stop thinking and do it. Jump out there, do it and then think. And I'm not a person who likes to go back, so jumping back into my comfort zone is not an option, I have to move forward and deal with it. So that's what I'm working on at the moment; I've caught the train once, I took me a while after making the decision that I was actually going to do it, but once I stopped asking myself 'ok, is today the day?', I just kept walking past my bus stop, and what do you know, I'm at the train station. Usually, once I've done it once, I'm good to go, but I haven't been again since that day so it's obviously something I need to work on. Maybe that'll be my job for next week...
It must be a terrible feeling to not be able to control yourself with things you know shouldn't be a problem. I'm reading a book at the moment where one of the characters has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Now I've always joked that I have OCD but now after reading about this character, it's not so funny anymore and I am very thankful that I do not have it.
A couple of paragraphs from the book,
"Did I leave the gas on? Is someone looking in the back door window? Perhaps the milk was off. Better smell it again before I put it in the tea. Did I wash my hands after taking a piss? Better do it again, just to be sure. Did I leave the gas on? Did my trousers touch the floor when I put them on? Do it again, do it right. Do it again. Do it again. Again. Again".
"Check the gas. Wash my hands. Wash them very thoroughly, so there can be no mistake. Use stronger soap. Use bleach. The floor is dirty. Wash it. Walk around the dirty part without touching it. Use as few steps as possible. Spread towels over the floor ot keep the contamination from spreading. Wash the towels. Again. Again. It feels wrong to enter the bedroom this way. Wrong how, exactly? Just wrong. Do it right foot first. And turn the left with my body - there, that's it. That feels better. But what about Marijke? She has to do it this way too. She won't like it. Doesn't matter. She won't do it. She will. She has to. It feels too wrong if she doesn't. As though something dreadful will happen. What, exactly? Don't know. Can't think about it. Quick - multiples of 22: 44, 66, 88.."
Oh my gosh, could you imagine being like this? It's exhausting to read, let alone living it, every day, hour and minute of your life.
So to all you people out there with fears and phobias and control issues. I hope your issues don't rule your life and you have the courage to stand up to them and face them. I hope you can move forward to live a happy life.
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."
- Ambrose Redmoon
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