Sunday, February 21, 2010

Why?

Do you ever wonder why people come into your life?

Why do certain friends come along at certain times, why do they only stay a short time and not a long time and then others stay forever; why do they come at particular times, after something good or bad has happened, or a lesson has been learnt; why do our loved ones die; why are we sent curve balls, why doesn't life run smoothly; why does it seem some people have a hard life and others have an easy life?

I have been single for a few years and I sometimes look around at people who are in relationships and think 'how did she get a boyfriend?' or, 'if she can get a boyfriend, how come I can't?'. Have you noticed how some couples seem to be made up of a real bitch and a really nice guy, or vise versa. How does this happen? And why? People say to me all the time that I need to kiss a lot of toads before your prince comes along and most of the people who say this seem, to me, as if they've had a pretty easy life when it come to relationships. I wish they'd just stop saying this actually!

Sometimes I have to stop and think that maybe I'm not the one having the shitty time, even though it's affecting me, but maybe the time the other person is having is worse. It's hard to think like this when something that is happening in your life is affecting you so greatly. I used to live with this girl who in turn caused me a lot of grief because of whatever issues she was going through and I kept thinking 'why do these things keep happening to me?'. But are they really happening to me? Or maybe I'm the one who is making them happen?? And is it because I'm a bad person and deserve a bit of payback (maybe from a previous life) or maybe I'm just unlucky and keep getting in the way. Or maybe someone up there is sending these people to me to teach me things about myself, make me stronger and a better person. Is anyone else this lucky or maybe unlucky, where do we draw the line? Is someone looking out for me and sending me on a path of a great future, or are all these things here to teach me how to be a better person because there is something big coming up that I'm going to need all this experience to help me get through? Or am I just thinking too much... again?

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

My island adventure

In keeping with my theme of this blog and "re-creating" myself I have put my name down to attend a weekend 'work excursion'.

Now, I'm sure most of you won't see anything unusual about this, and definitely nothing to worry about... but, this morning I woke up having dreamed about it all night and feeling quite stressed! It's hard for me to explain why and I assume most people won't understand but I usually try to keep my work life and social life separate except for the odd exceptions.

Luckily for me I'm going with another couple of girls and after asking many questions today about what we will do on our island adventure, it was agreed that we are all in the same boat and all worrying about the same things. Yay, there are other weirdo people out there like me!

What to wear? I put my name down for this 'adventure' about a month prior to the date and I have been trying to work out what the perfect outfit would be all that time. Obviously I don't want to wear something that shows too much skin considering it is a work thing - so there will be no swimming in front of the others! And I don't want to be overdressed either. T-shirt, tank, flowy shirt, skirt, shorts?... oh, the dramas! I have a reputation to uphold you know! :) I want to look the part without looking like I've put in too much effort...like it just comes naturally! I'm not worried about what everyone else thinks, I'm worried about what I think!

I was also worried about what activities we'd partake in while on our island adventure, thankfully the other girls I'm going with have bike phobias too. Phew. Whoever made up that saying "It's just like riding a bike" obviously was a bit more coordinated than I am. If everything I did was 'just like riding a bike' I'd have some serious dramas in my life!

So my little island adventure is coming up in a couple of weeks so hopefully I work out what to wear, buy a new swimsuit and STOP freaking out!! I know, I'll be ok once I get there...won't I?!

Friday, February 12, 2010

Phobias, control freaks and OCDs

So, what's with Martha and continually moving on from one relationship to another? I thought Home & Away was supposed to be a role model for our younger generation? Isn't this giving them the wrong impression - it is ok to be single, it is ok to be on your own, you don't have to be in a relationship all of your life. It's actually a good thing to be on your own at some point, and it's a good time to learn all sorts of things about yourself; so why do all the characters in that show always have to be in a relationship?

Anyway, that's not what this post is about. Today's post is about fears...or maybe it is?

I think it would be safe to say that everyone has at least one thing they are afraid of. Leah, from H&A, has developed a fear of going outside (Agrophobia). It is something that has come on recently, due to a traumatic experience. I have a fear of catching the train. See, some fears are what I would call 'real fears' and others are just fears from thinking too much (my case). I catch the bus to work, when I live within 10 minutes walk from the train station. I tell people it's because I like the reading time, which is a great advantage, but really we get some creepy people on our bus so I would probably be better off catching the train, yet, I'm willing to risk it. I have caught the train once and I'm sure my close friends thought I was a freak for getting so worked up about it. I just thought about it too much, and I know there's nothing I should be scared of, I can not even give myself any reason as to why I should be afraid, I just can't do it. This hasn't come on recently, and it has been something I've been 'working on' over the past few years... I think it's a fear of 'new things'. I have a friend who is a bit like this also, but her fear extends a bit further than mine. She can't go anywhere new on her own. Not a new petrol station, not a new restaurant or shopping center. And I think for her, it is the same reason - just thinks about it too much and gets herself a bit worked up. Some people may laugh and think it's funny, but unfortunately, as much as we want to, we can't control it.

Control is another thing altogether. I'm sure we all know a 'control freak'. And yes, once again, I am one! I like to be in control. But I'm ok with it, I may be freakish, but I can deal with me and I know when I need to relax and breathe. See, I'm in control. But being in control of my fears is a bit more hard work. I find that I need to just stop thinking and do it. Jump out there, do it and then think. And I'm not a person who likes to go back, so jumping back into my comfort zone is not an option, I have to move forward and deal with it. So that's what I'm working on at the moment; I've caught the train once, I took me a while after making the decision that I was actually going to do it, but once I stopped asking myself 'ok, is today the day?', I just kept walking past my bus stop, and what do you know, I'm at the train station. Usually, once I've done it once, I'm good to go, but I haven't been again since that day so it's obviously something I need to work on. Maybe that'll be my job for next week...

It must be a terrible feeling to not be able to control yourself with things you know shouldn't be a problem. I'm reading a book at the moment where one of the characters has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Now I've always joked that I have OCD but now after reading about this character, it's not so funny anymore and I am very thankful that I do not have it.

A couple of paragraphs from the book,
"Did I leave the gas on? Is someone looking in the back door window? Perhaps the milk was off. Better smell it again before I put it in the tea. Did I wash my hands after taking a piss? Better do it again, just to be sure. Did I leave the gas on? Did my trousers touch the floor when I put them on? Do it again, do it right. Do it again. Do it again. Again. Again".

"Check the gas. Wash my hands. Wash them very thoroughly, so there can be no mistake. Use stronger soap. Use bleach. The floor is dirty. Wash it. Walk around the dirty part without touching it. Use as few steps as possible. Spread towels over the floor ot keep the contamination from spreading. Wash the towels. Again. Again. It feels wrong to enter the bedroom this way. Wrong how, exactly? Just wrong. Do it right foot first. And turn the left with my body - there, that's it. That feels better. But what about Marijke? She has to do it this way too. She won't like it. Doesn't matter. She won't do it. She will. She has to. It feels too wrong if she doesn't. As though something dreadful will happen. What, exactly? Don't know. Can't think about it. Quick - multiples of 22: 44, 66, 88.."

Oh my gosh, could you imagine being like this? It's exhausting to read, let alone living it, every day, hour and minute of your life.

So to all you people out there with fears and phobias and control issues. I hope your issues don't rule your life and you have the courage to stand up to them and face them. I hope you can move forward to live a happy life.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."
- Ambrose Redmoon

I am wrapped!

This week has been a tough one for me, but has finished with a really lovely comment from my new follower Jess from curiousliving! And she's even mentioned me on her Blogroll! I'm so wrapped, I kind of feel famous... This is just how I needed my week to finish, so thanks, Jess. x

Monday, February 8, 2010

A friend in need is a friend indeed...

I believe a true friendship should never be hard work.

We have friends for certain times in our lives; school friends, friends with similar marital status', mother's group friendships, couple friends, work friends etc. Some of the friendships we make from these groups may become lifetime friendships, but sometimes they don't, and that's ok. I don't think it's a bad thing at all to have friends who you grow apart from after a period of time, as you move into new phases of your life. Their friendship serves a purpose in your life to teach you lessons, help you through things, bring you enjoyment etc, but sometimes you need to make room for new phases in your life, new paths, bigger and better things and life just seems to go this way, sometimes it happens unconsciously, and other times it doesn't. Moving on from some friends doesn't have to be a bad thing if you are doing it for the right reasons. Some people believe that all friends should be for life, whereas I believe that some friends can be just for a time, not a lifetime.

I've never had one circle of friends but separate circles which on the rare occasion may overlap, and I've always thought of that as a negativity - I've never had one big group of friends. But maybe it is a positive that I have a broad mix of friends; a chance to see different perspectives and having different fun with different people etc.

Sometimes we are just not meant to be great friends with everyone. There shouldn't be any negativity in knowing that if your life doesn't take you down the path of great friendship with someone; it is because it is the right thing for you, and the way your life is meant to go. If it wasn't, then it'd sort it's self out eventually. Someone once told me that it is important to be selfish, but only when it comes to relationships; you need to keep yourself in check and look after yourself.

After much deliberation over the last few months of where things are going for me, and what I want out of my future, I have come to the conclusion that it is ok to move on and let go. I have realised that not all of our friends have to be friends for life; it's just the path that someone up there has made for you and in-turn, the choice you've made about your future. Friendships are not about quantity but about quality. As long as you know who your besties are, whether they be for short-term or long-term, I think you'll be ok.

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." - Anais Nin


To all my special friends out there, thank you for being you and for being my friend. xx

Friday, February 5, 2010

Am I here?

Do you ever wonder who you are, or how you got here?

I often wonder this, and 'what the hell am I doing?' Have I made the right decisions, am I on the right course? What if I made a different decision earlier in life? Sometimes I feel like I'm just going with the flow, the life others have made for me, or doing the jobs that others have left for me once they've changed their course in life and moved on to bigger and better things. Is this really where I'm meant to be?

In the past I have not really been confident in my own decisions and choices, hence relying on others to help me make those big decisions in life. Sometimes it all gets a bit overwhelming and you lose your confidence and then, you get used to having others to rely on and start to take advantage, a bit. Which in turn, they do as well. You're always there for them to give their opinion to, you always ask their opinion; should you do this, should you do that?

There's so many decisions to make. Should I travel more while I can; move interstate/overseas? Change jobs, move house, save or spend? Shares or savings account? New car, secondhand car? Am I just doing the same old thing because it's easy, or is this the course I'm supposed to take? How do you know if you're on the right track and making the right decisions?

When I look around at everyone else they seem to know what they are doing; like they have found their way and now they are just moving forward. They're in great jobs, have earned respect, own their own homes, have found the love of their life and got married and now planning their lives together; they have a dog and babies are inevitable. It's like they're on autopilot, they know where their path is going and they are following it, stopping where they are meant to stop to smell the flowers on their way. Their lives seem easy, where as I struggle to decide on what to wear that day, or whether to take the bus or train. At the moment my life is pretty stressful, just getting through each day is taking up enough time and energy, let alone looking at the big picture.

Life is overwhelming. Last year was a big year for me, I've gone from having a hugely busy social life, to a hugely busy worklife where the only light I'm seeing at the end of the tunnel is the freight train heading right at me! Overall it's been a great year; I got the promotion and recognition I have longed for, bought my own place after months of looking, rekindled old friendships and moved on from others. It's exhausting. I sometimes feel like all I do is get up, go to work, rush around all day, come home and collapse and then do it all again the next day with not much fun in between. Weekends are always busy, but ask me what I've done and I can't tell you; come Monday I'm exhausted and doing it all over again. Although I have the job I've worked so hard for, it's tiring; where's the work/life balance? Who has time for a life? Is this how my life is always going to be?

How did your life pan out? Are you where you want to be? Did you make the right decisions; how do you know?

If my life slows down, will I be happy or will I be craving that mad, living on the edge lifestyle I've always lived? Is this where I'm happiest? Do you live to work, or work to live? Does it get easier? Ironically this is where I want to be. People respect me for the job I do and the friend I am; sitting here in my PJs, with a cup of tea on the lounge of my lovely little house; home on a Friday night....

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Dating in Twenty Ten

My lovely English friend from Sydney told me about a new internet dating website she thought I should try; so, good old me who likes to try everything new before everyone else, has signed up and is giving it a go.

In creating my profile they ask about 50 questions on which they create a personality profile and then match you based on this. There is no scrolling through pages of random faces and for once a site where no one from the general public can go in and see you in all your glory on an internet dating site (phew!).

So it's been a few days since I signed up and I have had 4 'matches'. Four! Excuse, me, but surely there are more than 4 out there?? Firstly, only 2 of them matched my age group preferences, and none of them matched my looks preferences, not that that is an option, but unfortunately (for them?), I think there has to be some kind of attraction there, even if it is internet dating and so far, they haven't had anything else going for them!

I'm asking you, is it because it's early days for this new site and there are no candidates available, or, am I majorly difficult to match to??

Yes, I've been single for a while now, and been on many dates, and kissed a lot of toads, (but not as many as I apparently need to before meeting my prince) so a girl has got to wonder WHY it is so hard, and taking so long. But over time I've realised it'll happen when it's meant to happen, but geez, this is really trying my patience, of which I've never had much of anyway!

I've tried all the different scenarios like going for the guys with hot bodies, trying the 'opposites attract' option, going for the guys I wouldn't normally go for and lastly, the guys who have no money (are these ways of proving to myself that beauty isn't just skin deep, or that I'm not really judgemental or materialistic?), I've had friends set me up with their workmates and meeting guys on a night out. And yet, here I am, still single. But you know what I've learnt so much about myself and even though it's had its tough times, I have enjoyed myself, have some great stories to tell, and have become a better person for it (with great interviewing skills!).

So now, I'm just winging it. If a guy likes me and I like him, then why not? If he has kids it's a bonus! Well, hey, that's a couple less I have to squeeze out myself! If he has red hair, maybe I can help re-invent the wheel - they are a dying breed you know; or still living with their mother at the age of 40 (hm, the M-I-L might be a tough one to crack, might stay away from this one for the time being!). You know what, I'm actually so used to being on my own now, that dating has become a bit of a hobby, so lets see if I can get this hobby down pat and actually have something to show for it this year. :)

Stay tuned for more dating adventures...

Courtney x